Saturday, March 29, 2014

Little Earthquakes

Anyone who lives in SoCal knows about the little earthquakes that we have been feeling lately.
Right off the top of my head I can only remember ever feeling one earthquake before moving to Los Angeles. It was a simple little quake. I don't even remember how large it was.  Out in colorado earthquakes didn't happen that much.
But its so strange out here in Cali. The earth just shakes. It feels almost like when you are little and really dizzy or when you get out of a car after driving for hours and hours.
Still I find that unlike most people I am not scared of earthquakes. While I'm scared of the building falling or pieces of fine art breaking I'm not scared of the feeling of the earthquakes.
To me earthquakes seem natural. And I'm not scared of nature. Why should I be? I am a part of it am I not?  Though I am human I am not one of those humans that seeks to kill everything in my path. I am the kind that wants to right the wrongs of other humans. I want to be a part of nature. I want to do as little damage as possible.
My fears in life are of the things that humans do without thinking it through. Or that we do out of greed. Maybe having all of those fears has left me with no more room. Maybe if those things weren't there to worry me I would be more scared of earthquakes.
Or maybe I have some weird part of me that isn't right. Maybe some part of my brain doesn't work right so i have no fear of earthquakes or most things that are nature related.

So I wonder reader do you feel the same way? Or is it just me?

Saturday, February 22, 2014


Music. For those of us that are blessed with hearing music is something we have around us all the time. But some many times it is just music we listen to passively. But every once in a while that changes. You find a song that changes you. That you listen to over and over again. And no matter how many times you hear it, you seem to fall more in love with it.
For 3 to 4 minutes you are no longer. Someone else out there understands how you feel. They put it into all the words you could never begin to understand.
It forever makes a place in our heart. From now on whenever we hear that song, we go back to that time in our lives. To those feelings.
When people ask me why I don't really listen to new music- or music I don't know by heart-it's because I don't want to hear music. I want to feel music with every single part of my body and soul. I want the singers voice to be rich and filled with all the things I am feeling. 
I want want a song that is just fun to listen too.Though I have any of those that I love.
What I am always looking for is the music that is art.
That simple three letter word. Is my goal in life. The thing I will spend forever looking for and trying to create. 
So when I hear a song, I want it to move me. I want something that finds my inner most feelings - the ones I didn't even know I was feeling and bring me back to life. 
There is that moment when you are laying in bed at night head phones in and just for 3 minutes the world stops. All there is the song and you. All that you are. For this moment you are understood. You are not alone. 
And isn't that what we spend our whole lives looking for? Aren't those the moments that make it all worth while? 

That feeling of being accepted as we are. No judgement. No changes needed to be made. 
In those moments we accept ourselves as we are. All those things that we hated when the song started, and that we will hate as soon as it ends go away. But while that song - my song, our song is going we love that part of us those feelings.

To me that is good music. That is art. 

Friday, November 1, 2013

Doing what you love and nothing else ( If you can help it)

 I have finally come to the point with work that if I don't want to do it I will not do it - for right now that is. Now let me tell you what I mean by this before you go losing it all.
I am 16. What does that mean my life job right now is first school. That is what I should be doing. And anything else I do is just adding to that.  So if I am going to act or hang out with friends or do anything else it should be because it's fun or I like it. Yes there are things in life I have to do even if I don't like them. Believe me I know this!  But what I'm saying is that when i get a choice between doing something I love or something I hate I wll pick what I love.
Life is too short and too full of pain, unhappiness, and other horrible things to spend my time doing things that make me unhappy.
IF I am not happy with the people I am working this or the project that I am working then I don't see why I should have to work on it. Why I should let it ruin my day and life. there is just no need for it.

What I'm trying to say is that when it comes to working in film if I am going to do it. Then the only reason I, right now at 16 should be doing it for is the love.
I should not be acting or doing the other things I am in hopes of making money.  come 18 I will have to worry about that on my own. But right now at 16 I just want to live. I  want to be me.

I just don't care what people of me.
I know my own flaws. I am working on changing them. I don't need you or anyone else to point them out to me. I have more than enough things going on in my life. I don't need your close minded hasty made thoughts haunting me and making me feel bad.

I am going to work on being as happy as I can be. But if I'm not happy that's okay. Im allowed to be unhappy.  I have a right to all of these things as a human. and if you or anyone else judges me on it. Shame on you.

And I have a right to say that right now at 16 I can say I just want to have fun. I want to do work that is fun or makes me feel good.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

It's Not A fair world

There is that sweet moment in life when you get your "mojo" back. And all around you everything is suddenly better. This is not to say that you are not sad or that you do not feel down at times. But this mojo gives you hope. A feeling that yes you can go on. That not now but maybe someday soon everything will be okay.
How I got my mojo back I don't know. Am I still trouble and brought down by the things that happen to me that I have no control over? Yes, all the time.  But that is something I can never change.
If I had to guess at what made me want to get working made me want to try with all that I am what would I say?
I would say that I got tired of watching other people live the life I could be living. The life I should be living.  Sure I could sit around and say it's not fair because I didn't get the head start in life. Or it's not fair because of this or that. But the truth is it is fair. I'm 16. I can no longer blame anyone else for why I have not done anything big. Now it's  my own fault. And only I can change it. Only I can do anything about it.
So with that being said I yet again pull myself together and do my best to keep myself together so that I may care on. So that I can live the life I want to live no matter what life throws at me or what people think of me.
It's time I stopped living or caring what people say about me. Because at the end of the day I have to live with myself.  If I mess up I'm the only one that has to live with that every hour of everyday. No one else does. No one else will have to look in the mirror and see the things I see in my own eyes.
What you might ask is the point of this post? It's to tell you that I got my mojo back but a long the way I learned something very life changing.
Which is shouldn't we all be the best person we can so when we look back on our lives no matter how much they sucked and know that we did it right. That we were the fighters and warriors because life is aways going to try to beat you down. It will break you until only just enough of you is left that just that little voice that tells you not to seek death.  The only way to beat life, the only way to fight back is to do good things. Help other people so life that unfair demon that haunts us all doesn't win. And yes in case you didn't pick up on it I am using the word life in place of such words as god, angel, holy spirt and etc.
But by helping people and trying to do things to make the world a better place we help fight off life and every unfair thing that life does. No the battle between people and life will not be won in my life time but maybe for the next.  Think about it. If all the great doctors hadn't done everything in their power to save lives and help people most of us would be dead. Most of our friends and family would be dead. There are things that are always going to be out of our control but if we work harder and work together we can even the playing field.
I know this sounds like a crazy ass idea. Like I'm just another good two-shoes.  And you couldn't be more wrong about why I am doing this. Why I want everyone to join me in helping. The reason I am doing this is because I'm pissed off and angry. I have been beat and broke to many times in my 16 years. And yes there are people out there with it worse than me but it sucks. And I am unhappy. and every time I start to get my fucking life together I get the rug pulled out from under me.Get punch so hard I could't breathe if I wanted to.  I get my head pushed down so far in the water I think I'm going to black out.
Guess what readers? I'm done with living my life that way. living in fear of happiness. So that's why I'm doing this. So that other people don't have to live in fear of happiness. And so that someday. I will won't be afraid of being happy. Of feeling beautiful.  So that I can look at myself and now that I am unlimited.
But at 16 I know that won't happen. Not if I'm all alone in doing this. Not if i'm the only one who does this.
IF you want things to be fair you have to do it yourself. No one else can help you. You can't yell at the government hope they hear.  It's up to you.

The world will never fair unless people do something to make it so.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

How I feel right now

Here is how I feel right now when it comes to doing .... well anything. This is what happens when I have nothing to work on.

Leave me alone photo 1378005984444587_animate_zps4f838fb0.gif

Monday, September 23, 2013

How I feel right now

pissed photo tumblr_m2wfpdYAdZ1ro8qpo_zps39f1ed5d.gif Pissed Tink photo tumblr_m2wdoi66Vf1ro8qpo_zps07a00380.gif These two photos sum up my day and past few weeks perfectly.  Now it's not just one thing that is pissing me off it's many many things that keep getting my skin right now.

Friday, September 20, 2013

As you wish

Those words have a special place in my heart and always will. Since I was a little girl i have loved the movie the princess bride. When I was about 4 my dad first showed that movie to me - now he skipped lots of things that were not meant to be seen by a 4 year old.
I don't remember watching it for the first time.  But I know that I have loved it from the start. It was one of the first movies I ever tried to act out. It was one of the first movies that moved and changed me, and my out look on love forever.  It was a movie that my mom never liked which I always thought was so weird. I could not see how she did not find the love story to be so moving, and the jokes so funny. 
For me the love story was that of my dreams. Even now I replay some of my favorite lines. One that I have always loved ( and would act out when I was younger) was when Buttercup was up on the vast green hill with the dread pirate Roberts.  You Mock My Pain photo Youmockmypain-gif_zps06b825bc.gif  photo Lifeispain-selling_zps8f65a216.gif To me, that was so moving to think about. How she felt that way after losing her farm boy. I just loved that to ends of the earth.  And how he felt bitter and hurt because Buttercup had moved on and forgotten him while he was still madly in love with her. To this day that scene moves me because they both deep down are feeling the same thing but are to blind to see it. I feel like so much of life is this way. That many fights we have with are loved ones are like this.
I loved how they fought for their love and would not give it up. No matter how many times I watch the movie it still moves me. It takes my breath away. As soon as I hear that music start the film I still there full of joy and wonder. And every time the music plays and the credits roll I feel that same rush of wonder and joy. I have watched something truly beautiful. I feel truly beautiful.
No matter how many times I hear the music I still get all fuzzy inside ( the song once upon a time about a minute it hits me.I'm listening to it while I write). My heart races and I'm a little girl again lost in all the wonders that princess bride is.
Because in this post I did not even get in to how much I love side kicks. Or how good the book is! Yes, I have read the book the beautiful 25 years of the princess bride copy.

So until next time my dear readers,

and remember
and remember  photo Deathcant-gif_zpsa51feae5.gif